RELATE shun SHIPS

So I have not mastered the mind and most definitly not the heart. But I understand basic and excentric human needs and the balance of a need and a want. I want to wake up and for the bed not to be empty, but I don't need it. I have surpassed the stage where I am looking to fill a roll that my "other" half has decided to take a "L" on. This is more of a need of a best friend who doesn't have their own drama with men. Ideally my relationship would look like something out of threes company minus chrissy and mr furley.I had the right idea in the begining but maybe the wrong people in the role. I believe that everyone NEEDS and deserves their own space and respect. 2 bedrooms rooms for 2 people is sufficent. The "master" bedroom is technically the womans room. She decorates it and makes it her safe haven to sleep and relax. The second room should be his room. If he wants a mattress and a milk crate in there ... So be it. 2 people can't live on top of each other 24/7. You need to be able to trust like u don't care if u get hurt.this is the hardest task, but possible with work and the right person. Communication, not nagging is the key. If you think u can't talk with out sounding like a cunt.. Try writting it down. Well perhaps I am optimistic but I believe its possible. Two people should have two seperate lives and have them meet somewhere in the middle... Maybe
Just maybe it could work. Somethings are not worth bitching about.. If u treat a relationship like a friendship then the only thing debatable is the level of respect exchanged... Idk... Just a thought...

Dreams..

you have been haunting my dreams.
I steal you .. and awake yet alone..
I awake scared. and then angry.
I night I go to sleep and try to keep my head free of you and
before you know it .. there you are.
I day dream of the day the door bell rings and its u ..
what would I say .. What would I do?
there is a thin line between love and like..
but this line is scribbled..

Fuck it.. good night .. see you in a few..

Saturday night quickie..

Another weekend.. alot . ... I mean alot of free time. What to do with it.. Unknown???
Shoulda coulda woulda.. went to the gym.. but...
Shoulda , coulda . woulda ... wrote a poem... but..
Very unfocused.. wathing comedy .. waiting on friends.. picking my self apart and re arranging my room in my mind.
trying to figure out why carlos mencia looks like my ex from college..and how in the hell he got married .. and has kids now .. but still angry at me.. My ex.. not carlos..
Wondering if I picked up and left would things be easier someplace else.. or would that just be considered running?
This is the first time .. I dont feel like hearing music.. its getting sad ya know?
I assimilate with what I hear as if I wrote it ..
But I didnt ..
Tommorow.. I will go to the gym .. No excuses..
Maybe even do some squats.. since all my extra currcular activites have come to a hault.
nEXt....
So my punctuation and spelling may suck .. but ya get the drift.
I wanted to play some video games today .. but .. bored with my Wii.. well for today ..
I need like street fighter .. I need some violence in my day .. hence why I am awaiting my crew to see the ufc fight ..
**Carlos mencia" if in the course of this show I have offended anybody .. I just wanna say ... FUCK YOU " ... Umm can that be my tag line..
Its not that i donthave a heart .. I do .. its a partial heart .. but bitch it bleeds.. but .. I feel like sometimes you just need to say whats on your mind.. Some filters are meant to burst ..
and if you cant stand the heat ... move to canada.. cunt .
.. Ohh .. well watching HBO .. I see all the HBO has beens will be put in a series about vampire..
dumb dumb dumb ..
***D.L. Hughley " we might be going to hell , but we're gonna tell it like it is .. "
Ahhh ... feeling better already ..
So I spent the early part of my day in the AC and under the covers.. trying to sulk .. but to mad to give a fuck ... getting random emails from william .. saying everything ya 'd wanna hear .. from probably 12 hours away ..wishful thinking .
what I have thought .. is . life .. its changed alot.. Friday nights i come home.. unsure of what the night hold .. other then possibly dinner and sleep at some point.
Before.. I would come up the hill .. call him and have the " ill be home in 5 ,. what do you wanna grub on ?? wanna go out .?? catch a flick .. or stay in . " .. yeah .. seemed annoying maybe at the time.. but it was a comfort,

I wish i could be mad at him .. but dont know how to .. at least not anymore... I am over that part ..
I thought the letting go part comes next .. not sure.. Ill let you know ..


this blogging thing .. maybe lets you spew too much info .. but I really dont hold anything back .

But the lap top is getting hot on my lap .. and my people are MIA... so til later ...

pZ

HOnesty

Honesty is what counts right ?? So I will be honest.. even though I am unsure of what it really is?
OK .. so while browsing along myspace I checked on my Ex's page to , well 1. make sure he was alive, and 2. check for updates.. Cause we are being honest.. I will say this ..
So I see a picture of him.. in a shirt and tie.. holding his birch beer and laughing his ass off .. He was at the time of the picture.. in Goffle Grill in Hawthorne.. Now .. I am not encyclopedia brown ... I know this information .. because .. I took the pic with my camera phone at the time.
So you know the part in Clueless.. where the dude asks for the picture of Tai because Cher took it... It made me think ,.. 1. Where did you steal that from.. 2. why that pic... ??? Yes he looks nice.. but are you so disattached from the situation that u can just throw pics up of the "good o'le days"

So in true pisces fashion .. I cried.. It was a long time coming .. Almost cried at mamma Mia.. and when I saw the whackness tonight .. over the words.. " thanks for breaking my heart"
And in true woman fashion .. I am probably overthinking it .. but 10 years is a long time to assimilate someone in your life and have them be gone ..
The honest truth is .. That is my heart .. The honest truth is.. the kind of comfort that was there.. I may only be able to find in one other corner.. but not today .. and certainly not tonight ..

It was good to see him smile again .. even if not in person .. but honestly

I wish i didnt

a quickie to start out this party!!!

So I sit back and quietly wait
Waiting for a train that may never pull up to my station.
Waiting for a moment that you only see in movies.
Things that seem so natural here seem so distant when I play in my real world.
But tucked under bed sheet tents and passion lies a something that is irresistible.
So I wait..
Now there is word play and intangible moments when we meet
It’s like we start the sentence, but can’t end it due to unspoken rules and unfinished feelings.
Giving me options that don’t exist.. Hoping that you would take it seriously for just a minute,
But I’m finished...
Or am I..
Awaiting that moment of clarity
But who will see clearly first
Hmmp .. It still hurts