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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

hmmp.. pt 7

Havent written in a while..
cant really find the words.. or emotion..
Do you remember me??
I was on top of my game.. Ballin!  in almost ever sense of the word with the exceptions of  its original meaning .. cause I was always "low on cash" ..
now things don't seem the same.. like when she left she took some of me with her..
left with a shell and a ball of anxiety that is fostered by nothing.
Whose gonna hold you tonight ?
The wind .. invest in a blanket..
This is not a when i grow up kind of speech.. I am grown.. and although I am not expecting the picket fence .. yada yada yada.. I still feel empty .. which is only weird..
cause I expect so little..

Havent hit a open mic in a minute .. lost all faith that I have something "unpainful" to say..
" I loved him .. he left " .. "She was my world... She died.. " .. " I found him amazing , and he barely finds me ...anymore"..
Shit I get nausea saying it ..
looking for the head strong I don't give a fuck girl .. who would cut you down in a second if you even cut your eyes wrong.

I think I am gonna take some time out and look for her...

Brb ..

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Trying to find the words..

I write... Thats what I do ...
I emote .. Thats what I do best ..
Yet somehow I cant find the words..
I cry .. because I am in denile..
I am angry .. because it could have been avoided..
and when I dream I am trying so hard to see your face.. and I am almost there..
The woman who held down my family was taken from me and I didnt even get the warning notice..
I love my mother with all I have but .. my grandmother was my secret keeper..
I could go there at 4am .. and tell her anything ..
She would IM me at 4am .. just to talk ..
I cant keep saying .. i should have or could have >> because I know she misses me just as much as I miss her..
The look she would give me that I only I understood what she was saying..
The wooden spoons that kept the nurses in check when I was hospitilized.
I dont know why I feel like my loss is greater than anyone else.. We are all going through this ..
and I am trying to be strong .. but struggling ..
I feel lost ..
The little family I had downsized with in 24 hours by 2. I got to say good bye to my other grandmother..
But the last thing I said to my nane was I promised my brother wouldnt make a mess in Florida..
I understand I have a life to live and she would want me to live it to the best I could..
but not a day goes by when I dont think about her..
This isn;t all I want to say .. but I still cant find the words..

Saturday, May 9, 2009

adult love

unconditional love.. means i love you no matter what..
no matter what you may go through 
no matter what

there is no room for slip ups.. 

there is no " i didn't mean for that to happen" 

otherwise its called lust .. get it now 

Sunday, March 22, 2009

random shyt

I assume that some things are not for me to figure out. For someone is suppose to have the answers to everything, I find my self in the dark more often then none.
I really thought that I had this relationship thing figured out, and maybe to some extent I do.
Maybe the breed of men I dated needs were different. Food, sex and shelter right?
I thought that was the basis. Maybe perhaps some men don't prioritize properly. Or maybe just maybe the objective of companionship has been jaded.
ahh .. God save the queen ..
I tap out because I really dont get it anymore and further more, my own self is being mutilated in the process.
trying should be banned from my vocab .. and dealing .. may replace it .. trust they are different..
Karma keeps me sane at night and free from sin as you will ..
but how long do you walk on glass before you grab your shoes and bounce?
To my friend who worry .. i love you for it .. and I am sorry ..
but I am stubborn .. and hopeful ..
I really did think i had the answers to everything .. and that I could fix anything.. I am not so sure anymore.. its sunday .. and that love i once spoke of .. well its just a cool poem now .. thats its .. ta -da !!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Second chance Tuesdays

So to give or get a second chance at a relationship is the question for the new year. Are there any real rules and regulations to this...? No.. Ofcourse not. It is a case by case, heart of the matter kind of situation. A good friend of mine got in to this situation where her ex played her.not even on some cheating shit, like messing for her livelyhood.. After all was said he wanted to come back, with words of him being a changed man.. She kinda took his word .. And viola!! He didn't... I myself being in similar situations have given into that second chance tuesday programming and sometimes there is new problems but not old problems... People grow... Sometimes up and sometimes apart. And maybe sometimes not at all. At the end of the day u need to analyze the reason why that person left ur side. If they didn't cheat, stab your momma, or take ur dough.. What's wrong with a second chance??? I mean seriously... Better to know.. Then to sit around and wonder ..