He said..

He said .. Jenn .. "Sometimes things don't always go the way you imagined. "
I mean I heard him .. but not until 4 years later when I look at his son's new born photo do I actually grasp the words.
He Said . Jenn " I really Do care about you and we can get through this".
I mean I heard him .. But I left anyways.. but not until 2 years later do I really grasp the feelings of his words.

He said Jenn " You will be fine with out me, this isn't working "  I mean I heard him.. , but even though at the time it felt crushing, 6 months later I really grasp the truth in his words,

I am good listener when the heart isn't involved..
Lesson Learned .. Always listen to what he says..

Trust him

Kisses on my shoulder feel falsified
I cant even look him in the eyes..
getting over the hill never felt so right
but this path of uncertainty is crippling.
"I love it when you smile" he says
I grin from ear to ear yet place more bricks upon this wall
I love me some him..
his warmth melts this cold soul
he's a perfect description of what a man should be
and a gentleman .
yet I discredit his every movement.
Go with the flow my people say
SO I shall.. and trust
Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Tent Time

He came with a backpack of clothes and a Xbox
I opened the door to good intentions and to my heart.
We were scared , but if the 3 day weekends we spend together were so awesome..
The rest of the work week was cake.. right ?
I am still not sure why I found him amazing..
He meowed like a cat when he was nervous or bored.. But it made me smile.
At night he held me like if he let me go id fall off the bed.
That was only after tent time where we would talk under the covers to protect our secrets. 
Every night he would reveal a little bit more of what was behind curtain number two
I felt a connection ...
He felt ...

Nothing ..

At first of course he searched and tried to find the words. Waiting and hoping to feel something ..
Because According to him .. If he couldnt love me ..
Then he was probably incapable of feeling it at all .. 
We tried..
I tried..
and eventually he left ..
I miss tent time .. and every so often I get under the covers to find that he is not there...
Finding deficits with in my self that really dont exist trying to explain how this could have happened
Blaming his past lovers for walking on his soul and leaving imprints so deep that I would never be able to fill those shoes.
But hes gone..
and there are things I wanna tell him
Did you see that fight ? Have you heard that new track?
But he turns a deaf ear to my existence
The resistance
fills my pillow with tears until my body weakens into a slumber.
Every essence of him  that surrounds me makes ache
Memories don't live like people do ?
Do I Still exist to you?



To be cont ????

The light

Its like some days I need a reminder of the hell to appreciate the quiet.
I remember the nights and days I cried and wished for this to be over
.. someway ..some how..
and yet I remember the nights that I wouldn't give up with out a fight to keep you in my life.
It was an intoxicating and poisoning relationship.
i was turning in to a masochist for love..
a love that I never received..
A love that you may have been incapable of.

And even though there were days where I saw your damage ,
I still held on waiting for you to see the light .
and now that your gone ..
.I hold on to myself..
Days where that doesn't feel like its enough I try to remind myself of the punishment i endured.
How you took a chance for you ..
not for us ..
and how when you lost your balance you let go..
never to try again..
making one perceive like you were practicing when you were probably plotting ..
There's a word for people like you ..
But i wont let it leave my lips..
Leaving like a thief in the night .. now finding traces of your presence does nothing but open scars..
But Im supposed to be the strong one.
amd they say .God doesn't  give one more than they can handle..
phrasing likes that leaving me to question ..
 I dont wish you the worst .. because Karma will handle what is needed.. I
may sleep alone.. but I'm content in knowing that.
Trying not to be hurt or angry
. because now I am free..
Given a opportunity to grow.
 Funny .. Thats what you said..
but no one was bringing you down..
Wanting to show you all life has to offer you stayed inside ..a recluse from the world..
Amazing how you take the last three years of our life and shake it away in your etch a sketch like it was never written.
You can have your tabula Rasa..
cause I still know you know the truth
who needs proof?
Not I as i stare at boxes being prepared to relocate  

Maybe when its all said and done.. 

there will be sun ..

and if even if there's not .. 

there will be light ..
And when there's light ... 

there is no fight ..
and I am good with that ..

Deborah Cox with R.L. - We Can't Be Friends

missed !! 08'

Missed.. .

I am sorry .. I missed what you said. I’m listening , please repeat.

missed calls, missed opportunities. Did you say missed? That’s what I thought I heard. Words foretelling months of pre meditated lies. Well only to myself. I missed the part where I was supposed to read between the lines. I missed you. You missed me to. But lucky for you I made a pit stop , cause you almost missed this train . Missed the part where you were supposed to care? I missed it too.

Maybe this was to be missed , because when the sun rises and all has changed, then who will be missed?

I think you missed my point.

Road untraveled .. 08'

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The long road un-traveled. where does it really bring you. Possibly in circles. Possibly to a dead end. perhaps even to a location that you never imagined to arrive at. Are you wiser because of the decisions you have made or restless because you want to erase that last mark on the page.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? While you wait in the corner for your feelings of content to flourish.. think about what you say and what you do..

today is another day where you can let music heal your soul and even though it’s cold outside, have faith in something. Whether or not you care for the warm weather or another rainy day .. it’s all inevitable. Random thoughts? yes. But you follow to the beat to of your own drum .

My un-traveled road led me to more decisions. and ultimately a circle. DO we even go there again? The toll booth collector awaits an answer.. I am still pending this transaction. Perhaps.. these circles we drive in are just constant reminder of an area that we have been here before and there is more to explore.

Eh .. Snow makes you think .. and over think some more..

for now.. I take my cold ass to bed.. until the next road trip.
xoxo