To Sir With Love .. (07')

To sir .. With love

I privately weep in your absence

It hurts, like no one can even imagine.

Any song with soul speaks to me and gives me the keys to let it out...

I would scream.. If I didn’t have to explain my madness.

I would tell you ... if you would pick up the phone.

My pillow is not dry and the party is not loud..

It’s merely a cover to avoid tears ..

I miss you ... I love you .. And I know .. that’s all it will ever be ..

So be safe .. Be well .

Who AM I ?? (07)

Who I am??

Don’t even question that
I am as real as they come.

No labels or maybeline

This is what it is

Small and quiet

But a fight of a lion...

So come test me.

I promise pure fire.

Who is she??

 I know you said it..

But best believe by the end, 

You may just regret it …Who I am..

 You may never be

Strong and independent,

like my mother raised me.

Bullshit and batteries not included,

No interlude or prefix

No side story or remix..

Pure and natural ,

you couldn’t if you tried..

Shit, Even I’d be surprised..

So don’t test me ..

Because who I am, is no lie. 

That Sunday Kinda Love (classic )

That Sunday kind of love

That sleep in till 11am kinda love

The put the tv on low and stay under the covers kinda love

That kiss on the back of the neck

Rubbing the tummy kinda love

The eat breakfast and head back in the bed kinda love

The wakin up to good lovin kinda love

That’s that Sunday kinda love

That spending the day on the couch kinda love

The playing video games in your draws kinda love

The spooning  in bed watching cartoons kinda love

That dope hiphop album playing in the back

while we stare at the ceiling and joke kinda love

That’s that Sunday kinda love..

That playing footsie under the sheets kinda love

The wake up in his mouth kinda love

That stealing all the blankets kinda love

The kissing on his shoulders kinda love

That lip biting , toe curling and the suns not up yet..kinda love

That’s that Sunday kinda love

The warm like hot cakes kinda love

The sweets like  mom makes kinda love

The tight like we are on the same page kinda love

That all love no rage kinda love

Boy that’s that Sunday kinda love ..

 Wiz's Version:

That bring me a cold brew kinda love

That Sunday walk in the park in a light drizzle kinda love

That tickling that sensitive spot till they tear kinda love

That how was your day my beautiful?, kinda love

That surprise I’m made your favorite dish w/ your favorite dessert kinda love

That I miss you and cant wait to see you kinda love

That surprise bubble bath prepared when you get home from work kinda love

That I would go krazy w/o you in my life kinda love

a day late and a dollar short ... ( this is a throw back )

A day late and a dollar short. Who even made that expression up? Why is does his name have to pop up every where I go. Why didn’t he have the eclectic name? So Its been months now and my 4 year fight to the top is now over. I am exhausted , emotionally, physically, and mentally, and really lets not forget financially. I would have given him the world and for the most part I did. I never thought that letting go would have been so easy but I couldn’t take another moment of getting Fucked and take that in any sense of the word. You know the difference when your in the bed and you wanna cry cause you are so there at your peak and this man had brought you there. And then there are times where you are in bed and you wanna cry cause you are with someone you love and you feel like you are getting straight up fucked just for the mere pleasure of it all.

            If someone would have told me four years ago , you are going to fall in love with your best friend. Become part of his family and loose it all with out your say on anything I would have never believed it and probably not have done it . We sat there in a diner and he held my hand and said “ I wanna be the man that these other guys you have dated never were” God did I eat that and my fruit cocktail right up. Why would my best friend lie to me? We decided to think about it over my vacation , which now thinking back seems so long ago, and when I returned I would be his girl. I was so amped during vacation, I was in paradise and I couldn’t wait to come home to the snow and frigid weather to make this official. I returned with my golden tan and I walked in to his job and I melted and I think so did he. God that feeling of peace when you look in someone’s eyes, like nothing else in the world matters, your heart is pounding. You are so there.

            I was so addicted to him and we were each others morning noon and night that was our downfall. I don’t know the fastest way to a man’s heart but I found my self a one way ticket out. We did the most romantic things; we both loved the water and the beach. We ate dinner in nice places, we had our spots, he knew my spots.  The First time he said I love you, I felt it. Now these words don’t mean much to me. All I feel now is my chest being ripped apart. When he told me we were done, I lost it. Don’t ever make a man your planet. I was the sun that shined because he was my constantly rotating planet. Once my planet left orbit what did I have to shine for. Although I should have seen it coming. I was having an affair with his answering machine, and we lived together.

Now that’s neither here nor there.. It’s just a portion of my life that will be filed away from the time that Damian wessler tried to kiss me after hitting my brother and along with the time my mom bought us ducks for Easter. I know its not that minor but ya gotta do what ya gotta do?

I went back to my mom’s house recently and I was helping her in the back yard doing some work for her business. I have been out of my house for over a year now and that back yard has made many transformations. There used to be a deck there. On the deck was our grill and picnic table and my sand box. We would have crazy BBQ’s. The whole family would be there. My cousin would put ice in his milk and call me his girlfriend.. we were like 5. So there was no country bumpkin’s drama. There was a bright orange Hammock in the yard stuck between two trees. I would lay on there for hours and pray I didn’t fall off. Back at the table we would eat burgers and chicken and my grandma’s home made string bean salad, which even now makes my mouth water. I don’t know what she put in it... but it was great. I look back in to the woods past my yard where the shed used to stand where my brother and I accidentally burnt it down while playing in the woods with jimmy and Sibby. The yard is definitely not what it used to be. But it does remind me of s time when things were so simple. I can remember sitting on the railroad ties and talking to Anthony the older hot guy my parents hired to cut our grass. I had the biggest crush in him. I would sit and marvel at his skinny physique and ask him questions like should I hang out with Dave? He was in my youth group and sad enough to say He was the reason I went most times. I thought things were so hard back then and couldn’t wait to become an adult. Then maybe love wouldn’t hurt as much and I wouldn’t have to follow rules and I could do my own thing and have my own place.

           

But like all things in life I was mistaken. I don’t remember the first time I fell in love but I can remember my first real boyfriend. It was simple we hung out we kissed he tried to touch my thigh, I pushed him away. Nothing too much more than that. Then I got my first job and the world of boys opened right before my eyes. Boys from all different backgrounds and ages at my job. And from then I have had a relationship of some kind. In college I tried and pretty much succeeded to leave all the highschol drama club men behind. Although I’m still cool with my first” love” from high school he is still not getting any from me. In college I met this guy who seemed to good to be true. He was tall built, and fine as all hell. For some reason he thought I spoke Spanish and he kicked his game in Spanish and I know he said something like hey mami come here.. but I damn near lost my undies. That little relationship lasted awhile, but I don’t know what happen he got seriously heavy and corny.

                                                                                                                                  

I don’t want to say I am an expert on relationships. I feel I know enough to keep someone happy but that only works and is worth it if they know the same things you do. The hand that life deals you in one you have to just decide which cards to put down and what to pick up next, but remember not to fold.

Trying to find myself... find my way home... find my way out … find my way in … Steping to the side.. Looking inside … then out … still I find myself lost… I have all this love … it runs over and not sure what to do with it... I don’t wanna give it back to where it derives from and I cant really give it else where.. Not yet …

Hmmmp. I need to grow up... I need to stay focused…                                              

And memories haunt me.. Damn now I can’t even turn on the TV. with out seeing my past.. Yeah we were there I think to my self... I walked on glass the whole night praying not to cut my feet... Will he hold me? Does he see we can get along? Are we going through the motions? Will he ever love me? Head up young person … head up … Wipe your tears and head up … Why who what? Was I thinking? Who is that man.. no child boy , infant ,,, Now I’m ranting ,,, Cause I’m hurt and all these days I feel like I have to be string for every one else… So Do I miss him .. And if I do .. do I because I feel like I should or because I really do .. Even sleeping next to him became a cold experience.. and we were in the dead of summer.  I would have given him my heart I was standing there with it in my hands and waiting for him to take it .. I wanted to spoil him … and ALL I wanted in return was hugs and kisses... and shit maybe an occasional foot rub... Nada, nunca… zip zero... I got shit … I was shit... and it was bull shit... So I’m out... and I’m good.. Praying not to let the next one wrap me up and I’ll wait to give my heart to any one... So in the mean time .. head up young person .. its Friday night and your out .. head up                              

The fucking Flip Side

And On the flip side I fucking hate you both..
Allowing me to see what ever good god gave you and then
after I was lured in ..
rotting to the core , and I was left with shit.
Making me feel like Pavlov's dog.. anything that resembles love.. I should consider danger.
You had to have seen the good in me or you both wouldn't have stayed around so long.
Sad that I lost you .. no. Just sad that I spent over a decade on this trial and error bullshit.
12 years of this back and forth .. double dutch shit .. Guess who loves you ??
Guess who don't
Well fuck that .. cause honestly in time I will get my mind right .. and things will be right where they are supposed to be .. with someone who is sure.
Meanwhile. have fun with your playground antics

I think I found her.

So I haven't been here lately.
When I say here.. I kinda just mean present.
I started to feel bad because everyone said I changed.
Everyone saw the pain.
Everyone saw the life drained from me.
Everyone,
but me.
Living on a prayer and a wish ..
and hope..
Because I believe you can make shit happen ..
I was addicted.
I was restricting myself from life.
I was suffocating . But If i read back in to my memoirs
This woman has been suffocating for awhile.
Although letting go is hard ..Now I smell the summer air
and I see colors brighter than ever.
I am still hopeful , but for myself
I will finally have some form of normality.
I found her.. I found me ..
Focused and not giving a fuck ..
Short and outspoken ,..and good to go! .
This is a take it or leave it kinda thing ..
No more transforming for this one ..
because I was already more than meets the eye..
trying to find my love for Hip-hop and things that made me whole
sleeping diagonal on the bed. and  stripping in the kitchen because I CAN ..
Getting back the comfort with in my self.. because he made me forget how beautiful I am.
How strong I am .. Where the fuck I come from and What I have been through ..
Not to be lost again .. I think I found her .. I found me..

hmmp.. pt 7

Havent written in a while..
cant really find the words.. or emotion..
Do you remember me??
I was on top of my game.. Ballin!  in almost ever sense of the word with the exceptions of  its original meaning .. cause I was always "low on cash" ..
now things don't seem the same.. like when she left she took some of me with her..
left with a shell and a ball of anxiety that is fostered by nothing.
Whose gonna hold you tonight ?
The wind .. invest in a blanket..
This is not a when i grow up kind of speech.. I am grown.. and although I am not expecting the picket fence .. yada yada yada.. I still feel empty .. which is only weird..
cause I expect so little..

Havent hit a open mic in a minute .. lost all faith that I have something "unpainful" to say..
" I loved him .. he left " .. "She was my world... She died.. " .. " I found him amazing , and he barely finds me ...anymore"..
Shit I get nausea saying it ..
looking for the head strong I don't give a fuck girl .. who would cut you down in a second if you even cut your eyes wrong.

I think I am gonna take some time out and look for her...

Brb ..