If you were to know anything...

Know this.. I hold guilt with me .. I love and live with all my heart and I give .. probably too much of myself sometimes.. and other times too little.
when I say I am sorry it it not to pacify the situation . Its pure raw emotion ..
When i say I love you.. its not a feeling based on a sexual feeling , but a feeling that comes when you hold a person and feel warmth.
Know that I make mistakes.. also know that I fear that some mistakes I make will be too late to correct.
Please know I am sorry.. never meaning to hurt anyone I find myself hurt..
waiting wanting and with out.
Blaming my past .. too scared to look forward... at least not with out hesitation ..
trying to get right and thinking that i have fixed my jaded mind... may have broken my jaded heart...
Stay focused little one.. I know that no one is perfect .. but i hope that you see something good in me..

i just hope

Preparation .. Reparation ..

So I am gathering things along my way to prepare for my voyage to Italy..
Going with my grandma.. Cause well to be 100% honest 1. Shes paying , 2 I feel like i owe her some joy to her life since she will never dance at the proverbial wedding or hold her great grandchild.. never mind the fact that I am not the little girl wearing flowing dresses , with diamonds and pearls.. Do I feel bad about that ??? Maybe .. Shes my Grandma .. The cooler one.. I dont want to dissapoint .. But shit .. this is who I am .. my momma raised me like this ..
We clean up well .. but jeans and Tees is where its at!! .. Name brand shit .. does nothing for me.
So i am packing for this trip to Europe.. i should be amped... right?

i am anxious about the plane... hate flying .. Once I get there.. Its me and her for the next 10 nights.. ..10 ... thats alot.. Shit .. I have like routines.. kinda.. I need my blanket to sleep.. and a bottle of water.. Do you know how much water will be on the ship??
WTF??
I txt or talk to me friends pretty much through out the day .. and although 10 days drama free sounds like a vacation.. I may be lost..
will def be bringing my book to write.. and taking pics.. all tourist like.. I guess..
I know i sound ungrateful .. but fuck it...
come to family dinner .. you'll see what I mean..

Til then.. School and work .. Pz

to be or not to be ..

Some times in life people have a tendencies to get caught up in the moment to mask emotion in order to feel less.. Some people over eat, some people over shop, and some people over emote in order to cover the truth. I have maybe told two people I love them( non family related) and meant it. I could say with full coinfidence that i still have love for them to date. I barely say I love you to my parents mostly cause its not how I was raised.

longer story short .. I am sorry I was masking my feelings ..
Honesty will not always set you free from everything .. I know that I have hurt people before.. past few days that has become imensely evident. a college ex called my familes house in search of me .. once i was recovered from my little world.. i was recounted of all the horrible times I sat around and made him feel like shit for sticking around me , because as he puts it " i was queen worthy" but did not act accordingly.. the part i fail to mention is that when i thought he was "king worthy" and asked him to commit he said " find someone else to love you, because i am not the one" ... then the post of it all was me " being horrible" after he had come to his senses.. but that really is here nor there .. because I have hurt alot since then.. he is married with a family. We have all grown up since then... and unfortuatly as a adult I have still experienced pain and as per the emails I have been receiving still continue to hurt people..
I figured by telling the truth .. it may set me free.. .. from karma .. and/or guilt..
I did .. and followed my heart and although I am content ..I still feel bad..
So to tell the truth or not .. That is the question!!

RELATE shun SHIPS

So I have not mastered the mind and most definitly not the heart. But I understand basic and excentric human needs and the balance of a need and a want. I want to wake up and for the bed not to be empty, but I don't need it. I have surpassed the stage where I am looking to fill a roll that my "other" half has decided to take a "L" on. This is more of a need of a best friend who doesn't have their own drama with men. Ideally my relationship would look like something out of threes company minus chrissy and mr furley.I had the right idea in the begining but maybe the wrong people in the role. I believe that everyone NEEDS and deserves their own space and respect. 2 bedrooms rooms for 2 people is sufficent. The "master" bedroom is technically the womans room. She decorates it and makes it her safe haven to sleep and relax. The second room should be his room. If he wants a mattress and a milk crate in there ... So be it. 2 people can't live on top of each other 24/7. You need to be able to trust like u don't care if u get hurt.this is the hardest task, but possible with work and the right person. Communication, not nagging is the key. If you think u can't talk with out sounding like a cunt.. Try writting it down. Well perhaps I am optimistic but I believe its possible. Two people should have two seperate lives and have them meet somewhere in the middle... Maybe
Just maybe it could work. Somethings are not worth bitching about.. If u treat a relationship like a friendship then the only thing debatable is the level of respect exchanged... Idk... Just a thought...

Dreams..

you have been haunting my dreams.
I steal you .. and awake yet alone..
I awake scared. and then angry.
I night I go to sleep and try to keep my head free of you and
before you know it .. there you are.
I day dream of the day the door bell rings and its u ..
what would I say .. What would I do?
there is a thin line between love and like..
but this line is scribbled..

Fuck it.. good night .. see you in a few..

Saturday night quickie..

Another weekend.. alot . ... I mean alot of free time. What to do with it.. Unknown???
Shoulda coulda woulda.. went to the gym.. but...
Shoulda , coulda . woulda ... wrote a poem... but..
Very unfocused.. wathing comedy .. waiting on friends.. picking my self apart and re arranging my room in my mind.
trying to figure out why carlos mencia looks like my ex from college..and how in the hell he got married .. and has kids now .. but still angry at me.. My ex.. not carlos..
Wondering if I picked up and left would things be easier someplace else.. or would that just be considered running?
This is the first time .. I dont feel like hearing music.. its getting sad ya know?
I assimilate with what I hear as if I wrote it ..
But I didnt ..
Tommorow.. I will go to the gym .. No excuses..
Maybe even do some squats.. since all my extra currcular activites have come to a hault.
nEXt....
So my punctuation and spelling may suck .. but ya get the drift.
I wanted to play some video games today .. but .. bored with my Wii.. well for today ..
I need like street fighter .. I need some violence in my day .. hence why I am awaiting my crew to see the ufc fight ..
**Carlos mencia" if in the course of this show I have offended anybody .. I just wanna say ... FUCK YOU " ... Umm can that be my tag line..
Its not that i donthave a heart .. I do .. its a partial heart .. but bitch it bleeds.. but .. I feel like sometimes you just need to say whats on your mind.. Some filters are meant to burst ..
and if you cant stand the heat ... move to canada.. cunt .
.. Ohh .. well watching HBO .. I see all the HBO has beens will be put in a series about vampire..
dumb dumb dumb ..
***D.L. Hughley " we might be going to hell , but we're gonna tell it like it is .. "
Ahhh ... feeling better already ..
So I spent the early part of my day in the AC and under the covers.. trying to sulk .. but to mad to give a fuck ... getting random emails from william .. saying everything ya 'd wanna hear .. from probably 12 hours away ..wishful thinking .
what I have thought .. is . life .. its changed alot.. Friday nights i come home.. unsure of what the night hold .. other then possibly dinner and sleep at some point.
Before.. I would come up the hill .. call him and have the " ill be home in 5 ,. what do you wanna grub on ?? wanna go out .?? catch a flick .. or stay in . " .. yeah .. seemed annoying maybe at the time.. but it was a comfort,

I wish i could be mad at him .. but dont know how to .. at least not anymore... I am over that part ..
I thought the letting go part comes next .. not sure.. Ill let you know ..


this blogging thing .. maybe lets you spew too much info .. but I really dont hold anything back .

But the lap top is getting hot on my lap .. and my people are MIA... so til later ...

pZ

HOnesty

Honesty is what counts right ?? So I will be honest.. even though I am unsure of what it really is?
OK .. so while browsing along myspace I checked on my Ex's page to , well 1. make sure he was alive, and 2. check for updates.. Cause we are being honest.. I will say this ..
So I see a picture of him.. in a shirt and tie.. holding his birch beer and laughing his ass off .. He was at the time of the picture.. in Goffle Grill in Hawthorne.. Now .. I am not encyclopedia brown ... I know this information .. because .. I took the pic with my camera phone at the time.
So you know the part in Clueless.. where the dude asks for the picture of Tai because Cher took it... It made me think ,.. 1. Where did you steal that from.. 2. why that pic... ??? Yes he looks nice.. but are you so disattached from the situation that u can just throw pics up of the "good o'le days"

So in true pisces fashion .. I cried.. It was a long time coming .. Almost cried at mamma Mia.. and when I saw the whackness tonight .. over the words.. " thanks for breaking my heart"
And in true woman fashion .. I am probably overthinking it .. but 10 years is a long time to assimilate someone in your life and have them be gone ..
The honest truth is .. That is my heart .. The honest truth is.. the kind of comfort that was there.. I may only be able to find in one other corner.. but not today .. and certainly not tonight ..

It was good to see him smile again .. even if not in person .. but honestly

I wish i didnt