Trying to find the words..

I write... Thats what I do ...

I emote .. Thats what I do best ..

Yet somehow I cant find the words..

I cry .. because I am in denile..

I am angry .. because it could have been avoided..

and when I dream I am trying so hard to see your face.. and I am almost there..

The woman who held down my family was taken from me and I didnt even get the warning notice..

I love my mother with all I have but .. my grandmother was my secret keeper..

I could go there at 4am .. and tell her anything ..

She would IM me at 4am .. just to talk ..

I cant keep saying .. i should have or could have >> because I know she misses me just as much as I miss her..

The look she would give me that I only I understood what she was saying..

The wooden spoons that kept the nurses in check when I was hospitilized.

I dont know why I feel like my loss is greater than anyone else.. We are all going through this ..

and I am trying to be strong .. but struggling ..

I feel lost ..

The little family I had downsized with in 24 hours by 2. I got to say good bye to my other grandmother..

But the last thing I said to my nane was I promised my brother wouldnt make a mess in Florida..

I understand I have a life to live and she would want me to live it to the best I could..

but not a day goes by when I dont think about her..

This isn;t all I want to say .. but I still cant find the words..

adult love

unconditional love.. means i love you no matter what..

no matter what you may go through 

no matter what

there is no room for slip ups.. 

there is no " i didn't mean for that to happen" 

otherwise its called lust .. get it now 

random shyt

I assume that some things are not for me to figure out. For someone is suppose to have the answers to everything, I find my self in the dark more often then none.
I really thought that I had this relationship thing figured out, and maybe to some extent I do.
Maybe the breed of men I dated needs were different. Food, sex and shelter right?
I thought that was the basis. Maybe perhaps some men don't prioritize properly. Or maybe just maybe the objective of companionship has been jaded.
ahh .. God save the queen ..
I tap out because I really dont get it anymore and further more, my own self is being mutilated in the process.
trying should be banned from my vocab .. and dealing .. may replace it .. trust they are different..
Karma keeps me sane at night and free from sin as you will ..
but how long do you walk on glass before you grab your shoes and bounce?
To my friend who worry .. i love you for it .. and I am sorry ..
but I am stubborn .. and hopeful ..
I really did think i had the answers to everything .. and that I could fix anything.. I am not so sure anymore.. its sunday .. and that love i once spoke of .. well its just a cool poem now .. thats its .. ta -da !!

Second chance Tuesdays

So to give or get a second chance at a relationship is the question for the new year. Are there any real rules and regulations to this...? No.. Ofcourse not. It is a case by case, heart of the matter kind of situation. A good friend of mine got in to this situation where her ex played her.not even on some cheating shit, like messing for her livelyhood.. After all was said he wanted to come back, with words of him being a changed man.. She kinda took his word .. And viola!! He didn't... I myself being in similar situations have given into that second chance tuesday programming and sometimes there is new problems but not old problems... People grow... Sometimes up and sometimes apart. And maybe sometimes not at all. At the end of the day u need to analyze the reason why that person left ur side. If they didn't cheat, stab your momma, or take ur dough.. What's wrong with a second chance??? I mean seriously... Better to know.. Then to sit around and wonder ..

Suffocating

Self realization.
is that a word.. Well tonight its my anthem.
getting focused never took so long
Are you intentioanlly stabbing me
or did the knife slip out your hand and selfishly in to my heart
So I am not important?
and i dont matter?
Are you lacking emotion or senses?
Trying to teach a man what love is was not the job I applied for.
Hoping for a man to feel what love is, I never thought was a job.
But shit you make me work for it..
breathe deeply sir.. the air around you is barely yours ..
and I guess not mine either.. and since the word "ours" doesnt exist
we suffocate
Sitting alone, wondering why the easy things dont come
nature or nuture ?
I get neither..
I stay faithful , because I am a good woman ..
a strong woman .. yet I let you weaken me.
I am stretching , and scratching to the top..
i am suffocating ..
Turn around..
for a minute , be real
be here..
be alert
your fall will be hard off that pedastal ...
will you ever realize your reign?
will you ever realize my potential
or just continue to abuse my soul ..
cause tonight
its suffocating

Darkness

In the darkness of my room I peer out the window and I see the light on the horizon..
It far. But familar.
It enviting but scary
I look back in to my darkness where I have acclimated my wounded soul and feel a sense of comfort.
Darkness hold me like it will never let go
Kisses me like there's no one else
But is unforgiving and stubborn.
thinking if I can just bring my darkness into light then may be I can breathe again.
Or maybe just maybe my darkness will wear thin and shine
Darkness is my friend and it may never be more.

Yet if light is where I yearn to be ....
Darkness stays indoors

oldie but goodie... So i wait ..

So I sit back and quietly wait
Waiting for a train that may never pull up to my station.
Waiting for a moment that you only see in movies.
Things that seem so natural here seem so distant when I play in my real world.
But tucked under bed sheet tents and passion lies a something that is irresistible.
So I wait..
Now there is word play and intangible moments when we meet
It’s like we start the sentence, but can’t end it due to unspoken rules and unfinished feelings.
Giving me options that don’t exist.. Hoping that you would take it seriously for just a minute,
But I’m finished...
Or am I..
Awaiting that moment of clarity
But who will see clearly first
Hmmp .. It still hurts