Just keep swimming .. (07)

Doing what I gotta do as long as I can do it..

Situations overwhelming .. Just keep swimming... just keep swimming ..

Another interview ... fuck .. I blew it ..

No place in ...because I’m out .. And out has never looked so dark ..

No substance is keeping me above ground.. And I’m not about to accept an award and thank the heavenly father.. But hey .. Good looking out ..

The box where I reside is noisy .. But I shut it out and make it home sweet home..

Feelings on failure pass my door step, but how much of this is really my fault .. I followed most of the rules.. Right .. Well shit I use map quest and we all know how that goes.. ** This street may not exist anymore***

Well it doesn’t .. And the dirt path that I walk barefooted .. is humbling .. And everyone should add some humble in their tea..

Perfect not by far, but I’m trying .. But I guess altruism doesn’t get you room and board..

The little things in life get you by .. Music and comedy and friends and fam..laughter is the cure.. but not the answer..

when you give too much of your self and are only left with lint in your pocket .. will you still be laughing ... ehh not really ..  well .. this is where I’m at .. and you’re welcome to come and visit ..

but for now I go to sleep and start over tomorrow... just keep swimming ... just keep swimming ,...

Come Close (07)

Come closer..

Don’t be shy ..

Besides aren’t I the one who should be running away..

I have seen you many times .. And so often you make me smile ..

So come closer ... Don’t be shy...

We have our days .. where I put you away ..

Pretending you doesn’t exist to get through my days..

But for now .. Come closer and don’t be shy ..

I thought I had perfected you ..Once I was injected by you ..

So come closer and don’t be shy ..

I don’t recall when we first met ..

But you have been there all along ..

Every day and night ... different lyric .. Same song ..

Different beat .. But the rhythms keep me moving ..

So come closer and don’t be shy ..

As a grown woman I have seen you in your fullest force.. And I accept the whirlwind we spin in ..

So come closer and don’t be shy .

Cause LOVE .. U always seem to just keep passing by .. 

Focused ... well Sort of . (07')

A plan .. Yeah I got it.. A theory... sure I copped it ..

But things aren’t always the way they seem.

Happy .. Sure I smile.. Pissed .. And I turn up a lip..

But things aren’t always what that seem.

Again my head hurts.. Too much is getting through today ..

A brief intermission when I joke.. But is it really game time..

It’s like having a cold and eating something tasty,... it tastes like metal ..

Things are really not always how they seem..

When all your rights seem wrong and all your wrongs seem like you should make them right .. I say fuck it ..

if it needs to be deciphered Im out !!

Ehh .. Its bed time..Maybe in the morning things won’t be so foggy ..

God willing

This Morning ..

This morning brings cold, a cold that the weather man forgot to tell me about.

It brings clouds, and a slight chance of anger..

This morning brings a memory that felt to real to shake..

But I did..

This morning brings the reality that I can’t always fix everything .. Even though I try my best ..

This morning brings situations that will take time..

Patience will be a virtue.

This morning will bring a feeling of emptiness that doesn’t want to be filled

Tomorrow morning will bring .. Well who knows.

Sunshine? Fullfillness? I am not sure..

I make my own path in life.. Who and what falls in that path I don’t always get to choose , but the duration if often my decision ..

Rough mornings with no regrets .. None at all .. Simply after shock .. That’s all.

So maybe .. Just maybe .. This morning .. Wasn’t all that bad.

Internal Reflection of 07'

A random reflection of 07' ..

Strength comes from with in a person when they are at their weakest..

Love makes people weaker then most things.. It kills me to see weakness from something that is supposed to breathe life in to a person. But maybe .. Just maybe that’s where the problem lies. Love shouldn’t make or break you.. It should just blend well with you .. It’s not something that you make space for , or even loose space for. It is supposed to just work ..Right ?

To let you believe that I have all the answers would be completely misleading .. It’s merely a suggestion or a direction to get your mind right..

Don’t weep because you miss or because you hurt. Don’t weep because you lack or believe that you have lost. Shit ,.. Don’t even weep because you are mad.

Every great monument has some sort of "back bone" that allows it to stand when even the stormiest weather approaches. No need for a state of emergency. Use who and what you have got. They will one day need you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t afraid to take it , if offered. Never loose focus, because just when you think it can’t be any worse , it becomes hell .

Home really is where the heart is .. For many .. The last place where you had a twin bed.. But to be with out is slightly humbling.. Tragedy allows you to see where you lye in others paths. If you do not see you’re self along their path .. That’s a good indication to " motivate"

The most important person to be honest with is yourself. Then follow through accordingly.

Karma is as real as you allow it to be.. Often it’s best to stay out of its way. Time heals most wounds.. But not all. Forgive and forget is not for everyone and should be used sparingly in repeat offenders.

Music and comedy will save your soul.. Often more then religion. Alone or with others its time well spent.

Group Time is awesome.. But "me" time is needed.. No need to fear being alone. It’s ok to have a preference. But both are healthy and should be divided up amongst your life. The only mistakes that a lesson can be learned are mostly from your own.

So try something new and give in to things that are not the "norm" for you..

Giving up and giving in are not always the same ..      

When you loose something to gain piece of mind ...it’s a win

When you give in to others , for others .. It could possibly be a loose.

At the end of the day ... What makes you feel safe? With out any doubts??

And lastly .. If you ever wonder.. Don’t.. Just ask .. You may not like the answer you get but curiosity can be checked off your list .. 

The 10th ..

The 10th

So he grabs my hand and says.. I promise.. .. Think about it ..

and 10 times a day I get 143, and 823's on my T900 pager..

and 10 times a day he says I promise .. Think about it..

On the 10th when you come of the plane...  , your mine..

I'll be who they weren't.  I promise ... Think about it..

So I did..

and we did..

So on the 10th for 10 x 10 weeks straight there were flowers and cards

saying Thank you for thinking about it.. I promise I love you

and on the 10th the same would repeat ..

we would take 10 trips to the water..

eat at JOEYS 10 times.. for every special occasion and every anniversary ..

it was the 10th.. it was our promise .. cause we thought about it ..

Almost 10 years deep of back and forth thinking and broken promises

he grabs my hand and says I'm leaving .. but wait for me .. I'll be back ..

Think about it ... I promise..

I ask when will you be home.. he replies the 10th .. I promise either way..

I promise I'll be a better man for you ..

I weep , yet agree.. " please call me before 10 am and before 10 Pm .."

I thought about it .. he promised..

10 days to the 10th he calls.." I'm sorry , I cant ,, "

BUT YOU PROMISED..

So what began on the 10th and what survived on the 10th died on the 10th ..

almost 10 days have passed.. no word.. no promises..

Maybe I do have a lot to think about ... 

Angry (07')

ANGRY

                                                          I am  ANGRY ..

There , ,,I said it ..

Regret it? Never..

I want to scream at the top of my lungs to tell you I am angry ..

Angry because at night when I turn over your still not there..

Angry because you made me smile .. And even more angry cause you consistently make me cry.

Angry because you won’t pick up the phone..

Angry because I have never loved lost and hurt as much as I do with you..

Angry because I am haunted by you and I am terrified that I will never get over this .

Angry because you have disintegrated this bridge to nothing that I can’t even fathom having you here.. Yet,

I am angry cause your not

Angry because your jersey and your draws are still in my closet and it’s all I have ..

Angry because I knew you weren’t coming back for them ..

Angry because some days I would do anything to hear your voice..

Angry cause I know it will end in a fight ..

Mostly I am angry because I am the only one who knows how I feel..

The whole "wow she is really do a great job with getting over this ,"

NO I am just angry ,, and hurt .. ..

But why are you ?