A day late and a dollar short. Who even made that expression up? Why is does his name have to pop up every where I go. Why didn’t he have the eclectic name? So Its been months now and my 4 year fight to the top is now over. I am exhausted , emotionally, physically, and mentally, and really lets not forget financially. I would have given him the world and for the most part I did. I never thought that letting go would have been so easy but I couldn’t take another moment of getting Fucked and take that in any sense of the word. You know the difference when your in the bed and you wanna cry cause you are so there at your peak and this man had brought you there. And then there are times where you are in bed and you wanna cry cause you are with someone you love and you feel like you are getting straight up fucked just for the mere pleasure of it all.
If someone would have told me four years ago , you are going to fall in love with your best friend. Become part of his family and loose it all with out your say on anything I would have never believed it and probably not have done it . We sat there in a diner and he held my hand and said “ I wanna be the man that these other guys you have dated never were” God did I eat that and my fruit cocktail right up. Why would my best friend lie to me? We decided to think about it over my vacation , which now thinking back seems so long ago, and when I returned I would be his girl. I was so amped during vacation, I was in paradise and I couldn’t wait to come home to the snow and frigid weather to make this official. I returned with my golden tan and I walked in to his job and I melted and I think so did he. God that feeling of peace when you look in someone’s eyes, like nothing else in the world matters, your heart is pounding. You are so there.
I was so addicted to him and we were each others morning noon and night that was our downfall. I don’t know the fastest way to a man’s heart but I found my self a one way ticket out. We did the most romantic things; we both loved the water and the beach. We ate dinner in nice places, we had our spots, he knew my spots. The First time he said I love you, I felt it. Now these words don’t mean much to me. All I feel now is my chest being ripped apart. When he told me we were done, I lost it. Don’t ever make a man your planet. I was the sun that shined because he was my constantly rotating planet. Once my planet left orbit what did I have to shine for. Although I should have seen it coming. I was having an affair with his answering machine, and we lived together.
Now that’s neither here nor there.. It’s just a portion of my life that will be filed away from the time that Damian wessler tried to kiss me after hitting my brother and along with the time my mom bought us ducks for Easter. I know its not that minor but ya gotta do what ya gotta do?
I went back to my mom’s house recently and I was helping her in the back yard doing some work for her business. I have been out of my house for over a year now and that back yard has made many transformations. There used to be a deck there. On the deck was our grill and picnic table and my sand box. We would have crazy BBQ’s. The whole family would be there. My cousin would put ice in his milk and call me his girlfriend.. we were like 5. So there was no country bumpkin’s drama. There was a bright orange Hammock in the yard stuck between two trees. I would lay on there for hours and pray I didn’t fall off. Back at the table we would eat burgers and chicken and my grandma’s home made string bean salad, which even now makes my mouth water. I don’t know what she put in it... but it was great. I look back in to the woods past my yard where the shed used to stand where my brother and I accidentally burnt it down while playing in the woods with jimmy and Sibby. The yard is definitely not what it used to be. But it does remind me of s time when things were so simple. I can remember sitting on the railroad ties and talking to Anthony the older hot guy my parents hired to cut our grass. I had the biggest crush in him. I would sit and marvel at his skinny physique and ask him questions like should I hang out with Dave? He was in my youth group and sad enough to say He was the reason I went most times. I thought things were so hard back then and couldn’t wait to become an adult. Then maybe love wouldn’t hurt as much and I wouldn’t have to follow rules and I could do my own thing and have my own place.
But like all things in life I was mistaken. I don’t remember the first time I fell in love but I can remember my first real boyfriend. It was simple we hung out we kissed he tried to touch my thigh, I pushed him away. Nothing too much more than that. Then I got my first job and the world of boys opened right before my eyes. Boys from all different backgrounds and ages at my job. And from then I have had a relationship of some kind. In college I tried and pretty much succeeded to leave all the highschol drama club men behind. Although I’m still cool with my first” love” from high school he is still not getting any from me. In college I met this guy who seemed to good to be true. He was tall built, and fine as all hell. For some reason he thought I spoke Spanish and he kicked his game in Spanish and I know he said something like hey mami come here.. but I damn near lost my undies. That little relationship lasted awhile, but I don’t know what happen he got seriously heavy and corny.
I don’t want to say I am an expert on relationships. I feel I know enough to keep someone happy but that only works and is worth it if they know the same things you do. The hand that life deals you in one you have to just decide which cards to put down and what to pick up next, but remember not to fold.
Trying to find myself... find my way home... find my way out … find my way in … Steping to the side.. Looking inside … then out … still I find myself lost… I have all this love … it runs over and not sure what to do with it... I don’t wanna give it back to where it derives from and I cant really give it else where.. Not yet …
Hmmmp. I need to grow up... I need to stay focused…
And memories haunt me.. Damn now I can’t even turn on the TV. with out seeing my past.. Yeah we were there I think to my self... I walked on glass the whole night praying not to cut my feet... Will he hold me? Does he see we can get along? Are we going through the motions? Will he ever love me? Head up young person … head up … Wipe your tears and head up … Why who what? Was I thinking? Who is that man.. no child boy , infant ,,, Now I’m ranting ,,, Cause I’m hurt and all these days I feel like I have to be string for every one else… So Do I miss him .. And if I do .. do I because I feel like I should or because I really do .. Even sleeping next to him became a cold experience.. and we were in the dead of summer. I would have given him my heart I was standing there with it in my hands and waiting for him to take it .. I wanted to spoil him … and ALL I wanted in return was hugs and kisses... and shit maybe an occasional foot rub... Nada, nunca… zip zero... I got shit … I was shit... and it was bull shit... So I’m out... and I’m good.. Praying not to let the next one wrap me up and I’ll wait to give my heart to any one... So in the mean time .. head up young person .. its Friday night and your out .. head up
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